Relationships & self
I want to get to know people. Why do I freeze when it’s my turn to speak?
I have things to say, but at lunch, in group chats and around my supervisor, I can’t seem to get them out.
I feel as though I have a real problem with socializing, but I’ve never worked out what’s behind it. I recently moved to a new city for an internship. Having to meet new people and leave the apparent comfort of spending so much time alone has made me look again at the social difficulties that seem to come and go. Here’s what happens:
1. I don’t know how to keep a conversation going. At lunch with the other interns, I’m constantly looking for something to say, but I can’t get it out. When someone says something to me, I can’t think of a response on the spot or answer as naturally as everyone else, so I just laugh awkwardly. I feel as though I’m playing the fool every day. There’s so much going on in my head, but none of it comes out of my mouth.
2. Being with one other person is awkward. With two others, I automatically put myself on the sidelines. I can’t join in naturally unless someone asks me a question specifically meant for me. Then I answer enthusiastically—sometimes I get carried away and go off on tangents. As soon as I notice, I shut up.
3. My boundaries feel too strong, and inviting people along barely occurs to me. I never turn down an invitation, even to something I don’t want to do. But I don’t dare invite anyone myself; often I don’t even think of it. When someone suggests trying a new restaurant together, I realize we could do that instead of eating in the cafeteria every day. Yet when I want to do something, I default to going alone. Even if I think of asking someone, I might not, because I’m afraid they’ll say no.
4. My colleagues use nicknames for one another, but I can’t bring myself to do it, especially with my supervisor, who feels a level above me. I envy people who become friends with their supervisors. I can only address mine very formally.
5. The interns have a group chat where they talk about everything, but I hardly dare post. I’m afraid my message will be met with silence, and I don’t know what’s appropriate to say. Sometimes I type a lot, delete it all and end up sending nothing—or just a sticker.
6. I feel like the most ‘abnormal’ person my age. I’m so afraid of revealing that side of myself that I hold back and hide. Maybe there’s a deeper sense of inferiority behind it.
I envy how naturally other people get along. Why am I always so tense and awkward? I really feel like a misfit, as if there’s a membrane between me and everyone else and I can never quite belong. Everything I know about socializing is something I’ve just picked up: I copy what I learned from person A with person B, but can’t adapt it. I keep looking for a rule that works everywhere, even though socializing doesn’t really have one.
I wouldn’t call it social anxiety in the usual sense, though. Fear is only a small part of it; mostly I feel awkward and lost. Without an example to follow, I don’t know what to do, so I stop and do nothing. With an example, I feel as though I’m visibly copying someone.
I had some difficulty socializing as a child, but it wasn’t this bad. I’ve had a lot of negative feedback over the years, and now I feel as though I’ve gone backwards.
TooReal responds
By the time you’ve decided what to say, the conversation has moved on.
One detail in your post matters: when someone asks you a question directly, you can answer warmly and at length. You do have things to say. What seems harder is finding a way into a conversation when nobody has explicitly made room for you. You’re trying to choose your words and work out whether it’s your turn at the same time. By the time you’re ready, the moment may have passed.
You also describe several different difficulties. Sometimes inviting someone simply doesn’t occur to you; sometimes you think of it and fear being turned down. Around your supervisor, rank makes it harder to feel at ease. In the group chat, you’re anticipating silence before you’ve sent anything. These experiences can occur together, but we can’t tell from this post that they all have one cause. And your own distinction matters: you describe more uncertainty and awkwardness than fear.
Before the next lunch, you might ask yourself what you actually want from it. Do you want to join that particular conversation, get to know one colleague better, or simply eat without feeling obliged to entertain anyone? Those are different wishes. Addressing your supervisor formally, eating alone or having no interest in a topic doesn’t, by itself, mean you’re getting socializing wrong.
If you do want to join in, try making one contribution rather than finding a whole new topic. If someone mentions a new restaurant and you’re curious, you could ask, ‘What did you order?’ Or offer something of your own: ‘I’ve been wanting to try that place too.’ You can pause after that; you don’t have to carry the rest of the conversation. You could also tell a colleague you feel comfortable with, ‘I sometimes take a moment to think of a reply—I am listening.’ Use words that sound like you. The point is to make your interest a little easier to see, rather than memorize another script.
Inviting someone can be just as specific: ‘I’m going to try that noodle place tomorrow at lunch. Want to come?’ Give them room to say no, and yourself room to feel disappointed. A single refusal doesn’t tell you much about the relationship. But repeated dismissals or being regularly talked over are real experiences worth taking seriously; they aren’t automatically failures of confidence on your part. Look for who responds with interest and who makes a little room for you, too.
Afterwards, try looking at what actually happened: did you get to say something you wanted to say, how did they respond, and did you enjoy being with them? That tells you more than asking whether you seemed ‘normal.’ You can still feel awkward after a conversation that went reasonably well. If these difficulties keep you from work, friendships or things you want to do, a qualified mental health professional can help you explore them in more depth. Neither this post nor a personality test can establish a diagnosis or a single root cause.
You don’t have to become the person who always has something to say.
Start with one thing you actually want to say—and someone who makes room for it.
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