Relationships & self
Why am I always on guard, even when I’m supposed to be relaxing?
Nobody is criticizing me, but I’m still afraid of being told off or judged.
Whether I’m out having fun, at work, or talking about personal things with my family, I never seem able to let go. When I’m out, I don’t dare show my real self. I might want to strike a playful pose for a photo, but something holds me back and I feel awkward.
At work, I’m on edge every day. Nobody is actually criticizing me, but I’m afraid all the time—afraid of being scolded, rejected or lectured.
With my family, I deliberately avoid private subjects like dating, whether I’m seeing someone, or things that are upsetting me. They might not understand; they might misunderstand me instead. If I spend a long time on the phone in the living room with someone they don’t know, they suspect I’m dating and tell me that, as a girl, I should be more reserved. If I’m playing a game, I can be called away at any moment to do something else.
I feel unsettled every day. I doubt my abilities and live with this constant tension. Why am I like this, and how can I change?
TooReal responds
You want to relax. Then comes the thought: will someone have something to say?
You do know what you want to do. You’ve already imagined the playful pose; when you need to talk, you have something to say. But before you act or speak, you start anticipating how it might be judged. The feeling that brought you to that moment gets interrupted by the question of whether you’re doing something wrong.
The situations you describe deserve to be considered separately. At home, your calls really are questioned and dating really can draw criticism. You have reasons for keeping some things private. At work, you say nobody is criticizing you, yet you’re afraid of being told off. Has something happened recently that makes criticism feel likely? Or is the fear hard to shake even when things are going well? This account alone doesn’t tell us that it all comes from your personality or a particular childhood experience.
You don’t have to practise being open with the people most likely to hurt you. If your family tends to turn a confidence into a judgment, you can share less and talk to someone who listens. Choosing not to explain a relationship or a phone call doesn’t make you dishonest. You can decide what you want to share, and with whom.
If you want to try something different, choose a small thing you actually want to do, where the possible consequences feel manageable. Try that pose with a friend you trust; you don’t have to post the photo. At work, ask what a finished task needs to include, rather than trying to guess your way out of criticism. Afterwards, look at what happened: how did the other person respond, did the thing you feared happen, and what might you do differently? Still feeling nervous doesn’t mean the attempt was wasted.
Notice the moments when you feel a little less guarded, too. Who are you with? What are you doing? When do you stop checking yourself? Start by making more room for those moments. If the tension keeps affecting your sleep or work, or stops you doing more and more of the things you want to do, talking with a qualified mental health professional may help more than trying to force yourself to relax.
You don’t have to feel at ease with everyone.
Start with someone you trust, and one small thing you want to do.
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