Work & self
Why am I always afraid to take on responsibility?
I really hate being this way, but I just can’t seem to stop being afraid.
Ever since I was little, I’ve felt like I belong among the people who stay in the background. I feel I couldn’t handle the responsibility of managing a whole class; being a class representative is about as much as I can take on. I’m also afraid of getting too much attention and of being judged. In high school, even as a class representative, I couldn’t bring myself to remind people to hand in their homework.
At university, I worked up the courage to run for a class committee position, but I only dared to choose a minor one. I wouldn’t run for class president or academic representative because I was afraid of being accountable and taking on something big. I felt I could only take on a small responsibility.
I have this inexplicable admiration for classmates with high-ranking titles. “Wow, they’re a minister in some campus department. Wow, they can speak in the year-level group chat. Wow, they know the academic adviser so well.” I even feel in awe of them and unconsciously place myself beneath them when we speak. I keep wondering: What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the job badly? I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I still do.
At university, I still find myself wanting to move up and take on a role. Until now, I’ve only dared to do that within my class. This semester, by chance, I joined a year-level student committee that helps the academic adviser. Over the past couple of days, I’ve been intensely anxious while doing the work. I’m afraid I won’t do it well or complete assigned tasks perfectly. I’m also afraid of talking to people: I rehearse every word many times, then regret it after I’ve said it. I still speak with deference to people in higher positions…
I really hate being this way, but I just can’t seem to stop being afraid…
TooReal responds
Being afraid does not tell you whether you can do it.
Start with a particular task, rather than a verdict about yourself. What needs to be done? Which decisions would be yours? Where could you get help? If those answers are unclear, some of your hesitation may be about an undefined job, rather than your ability to do it.
Then notice which part makes you want to step back. Is it work you do not yet know how to do, or the conversation you would need to have with someone? Learning a process and getting used to disagreement are different kinds of practice. Calling both a lack of ability makes it harder to see what would actually help.
There is another question worth leaving open: do you want this particular responsibility? You might be capable of managing people and still prefer another kind of work. You might also want to try, even though you are afraid. Neither answer has to become a judgment about your ambition or worth.
A clearly defined, limited task can give you more information than repeatedly asking whether you are leadership material. Afterwards, look at what happened: what went well, where you needed help, and whether you would want to do it again. One attempt can teach you something without deciding your future.
You do not have to prove you can do it.
First ask whether it is something you truly want.
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